Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
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They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Scream sneezers need love too.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently