Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
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For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.