How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
What number SPF blocks people?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.