when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
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when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.