Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
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Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.