10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
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Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Yes my dude
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.