Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
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Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Oops I deleted….
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do