QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
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[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
*watches the world burn*
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces