@neiltyson: QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
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@qwertying: Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
@juliussharpe: You know it's not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you've ever tried to organize a dinner for six people.
@NikiWithIssues: There's a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
@doctorveritas: "It's possible to touch birds!" I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.