QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Facebook Twitter
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
He’s cranky this morning
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”