If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
You Might Also Like
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
This is enough internet for the day.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
“Why you watching this shit?”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic