QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
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I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset