Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
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I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*