Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
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Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Gemma Correll
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.