Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
You Might Also Like
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
This why you should mind your business
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on