Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
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Modded the new Gran Turismo
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Love is in the air fryer.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.