@JennyJohnsonHi5: Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let's go steal all their shit!
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@ItsAndyRyan: Convince neighbours you're shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann's mayonnaise.
@aksorojas: "You can't get married," the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
@NoTheOtherJohn: ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT'S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
@Brianhopecomedy: I'm teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.