Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
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If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team