quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
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*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.