quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
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🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators