@LoveNLunchmeat: Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?
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@zachreinert03: Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
@AndrewNadeau0: WOLF: Can I have a thing? GOD: Like what? W: I want to scream at the moon. G: Not wings or- W: No. G: But you cou- W: Scream. At. Moon.
@fro_vo: ME: *puts on sunglasses* NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
@XplodingUnicorn: [texting] Wife: Clean out your bowels. Me: OK. Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.