Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
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First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
*puts words between two asterisks*
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold