@ReginaldDennys: Quickest way to get over someone? 4 wheel drive
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@QwertyJones3: GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing ME: I'm naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me GUY: DAMMIT
@tylerschmall: Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
@Ideal_Victoria: On the list of things I've learned today: 1. You're not allowed to walk a police dog 2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
@notimetobehere: I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don't want to be around even if I'm dead.