when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
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i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I identify as an antique shop.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Oh no 😂😂💔😭