@jwoodham: Quidditch is my kind of sport. You don't have to run, you get to sit the whole time, and if things aren't going well you can just fly home.
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@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] He barely knows who I am anymore "That's not true, Karen" LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
@Piecezilla: My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
@Cpin42: Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
@stephenjmolloy: Me with megaphone: "COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR." Man: "I'm fixing your roof tiles, remember?" Me: "I FORGOT!"