[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
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It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I really had high hopes for this year though
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess