[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
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Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.