*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
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I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.