[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
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I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Shoo shoo! 😂
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I just love that new Pope smell.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.