[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
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Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.