*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
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Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
PLOT TWIST:
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Worlds greatest photobomb
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory