*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
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What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday