*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
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Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough