*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
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[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
This did not end as expected.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
wishing you and yours all the best
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.