[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
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Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Can’t, holding a grudge
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado