@DirtMcTurd: *quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
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@JillBidenVeep: Barack: Sign here, and here Joe: And then the adoption is final & you and Michelle are my parents? Barack: No, Joe
@SteveHofstetter: Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire - to be water resistant.
@UnIxphysco: My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded