@DirtMcTurd: *quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
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@WildeThingy: I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
@martyntanton: Just been banned from my church's Easter service. Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren't "Ta-Daa!"
@EJGomez: [introducing you to my family] "this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet"