*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
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I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Ok but actually
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”