“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
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Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever