@lloydrang: "Quinoa" sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
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@BlondAmbitionTO: On dates, if a man says the past tense of "see" as "I seen" instead of "I saw," I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.
@david8hughes: [at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."
@UberFacts: A mentally ill man shot himself in the head as a suicide attempt. The bullet cured his disorder and he became a straight-A college student.