“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
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Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please