Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
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I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.