Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
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my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
is this how new cars are made??
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder