@thejessbess: Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
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@TheWoodenslurpy: If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
@TheAlexP: Married men aren't allowed to go the grocery store alone because we're the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
@KeetPotato: [tortoise arguing with his gf] "FINE IM LEAVING" FINE [6 minutes later] are you going or not? "THIS IS AS FAST AS I CAN GO KAREN"
@Tommytoughstuff: [Hardware store] ME: I'll take one of those giant forks. WORKER: That's a rake. ME: I'm gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.