Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
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The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota