Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.