INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
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Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Banking tips
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.