So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
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Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!