@OrvllShrednbchr: Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I'm self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
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@bridger_w: "Oh, are you driving?" -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
@envydatropic: It's cute how my family thinks I'm playing with fire and I'm just trying to cook them breakfast
@TheMichaelRock: The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about.
@Boleyngirly: I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.