Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
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My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I have written yet another poem about laundry
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.