*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
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Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…