this has done me in for some reason
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.