Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
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Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
How did the first person to read learn how to read?