*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
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Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Thursday
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO