@thr33circles: Quitting twitter is the adult version of running away from home. We ALL know you're doing it for attention and we ALL know you'll be back.
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@causticbob: What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
@runolgarun: *TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him* me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch *TSA guns me down*
@GrowlyGrego: Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you've never been married and you love spending time with him?
@KelleysBreakRm: When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.