Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.