R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
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Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car