R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
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Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!