Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
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When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
dude it’s called proctologist
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I am crying
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”