R.I.P.
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vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Every BBC series about the universe.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?